Henchman Life

Henchman Life is a story in which readers see henchman working for certain groups or individuals and how a day working for them is less than pleasant.

The Uvuloids
The Uvuloid henchman, an orange alien with a purple afro, wakes up in their headquarters and walks down for breakfast. Eating with his fellow employees, they are discussing the group's best moments.

"Remember when we destroyed Tinneau to protect the universe from it's evil" someone at the breakfast table says

"No, no, no. How about a recent moment when we-" the henchman replies before Klaika interrupts him

"Everybody! My father is ill and you guys have to fix him. He gets wimpy when he's sick and I have put up with him long enough" Klaika orders

As Klaika walks away to get himself pancakes, the henchman stands up and takes an elevator to the floor with Scannon's bedroom on it with allergy medication and a breakfast soup. Opening the door slowly and saying hello, Scannon is less than happy to see him.

"WHO IS IT!" Scannon rudely snarls

"It's-" the henchman starts before he gets interrupted

"Don't tell me...Jayill?" Scannon asks

"No, boss. I've worked here for 5 years and you don't remember my name. Moving on, Klaika told us that you felt ill and I volunteered to nurse you back to help"

"Oh, thank you. Can you rub my feet?" Scannon whines while making a frowny face

"I'm your employee, not a massage therapist" the henchman scoffs

"Do you want to keep your job nooby?" Scannon replies angrily

Moaning, the henchman rubs his feet, feeds him soup and gives him his medication. Scannon sighs and giggles, making the henchman feel awkward.

"I'm going to take a nap now. Get out of my bedroom" Scannon yawns as the henchman gladly leaves

Later that day...

Around dinnertime, the henchman is drinking a bottle of liquor when Biolle strolls over to him. Bumping into each other, they look at each other and laugh about what happened.

"Hi Biolle. You look...nice" the henchman flirts

"Thanks, you don't look to shabby yourself" Biolle chuckles

After a short pause, Biolle laughs some more, compliments him a few times and then kisses him on the cheek. Unluckily for the two of them, Klaika walks to them and is livid.

"BIOLLE! We are married! And you, stupid henchman, hitting on my wife and trying to have her cheat on me? YOU ARE FIRED!" Klaika booms as he slams his hand on a table and the henchman hangs his head and trudges towards the door.

The Golden Pumas
Our Golden Puma henchman is first seen doing his morning prayers to the Inca Gods. Once prayer ends, they separate to do combat practice.

Firing his Taurus Raging Bull revolver, he hits all of the targets he has. After finishing his five bullets, he throws the revolver at the human-shaped target and decapitates it.

"I'm the best gunman here!" the henchman squeals in joy

Just then, a blindfolded man in a cowboy hat with standing backwards pulls off a headshot from 45 yards away. Taking off the blindfold, the gunman is revealed to be Gunslinger.

"Moron" Gunslinger quips "I'm the best gunman here and you're a pipsqueak measly henchman"

Sighing, the henchman decides to go practice martial arts, something he feels he is good at and succeeded at will cheer him up. Pulling off, impressive kicks, flips, karate moves and punches.

"Man! I'm on top of the world!" the henchman shouts, proud of himself.

Yoan Alvarez then walks up and asks to spar with the henchman. Feeling so proud of himself, the henchman accepts the challenge. In less than thirty seconds, Yoan beats the heck out of the henchman to the point where he knocks him down and the henchman is in so much pain, he cannot get up.

"You okay?" Yoan asks

"No. I felt like the best martial artist ever. And then you kicked the crap out of me" the henchman moans in pain

Once he is able to give up, he decides to improve his sniping skills for the last training exercise of the day. Still sore from sparring with Yoan, he misses many shots badly. Even worse, El Caballo, the group's leader and a notoriously skilled sniper.

"Pitiful. That's such an easy shot!" Caballo screams before picking up the henchman's sniper rifle and hits three consecutive shots. Walking away, the henchman is now immediately depressed and starts bawling profusely.

Conundrum
The Conundrum henchman walks into work with a half-eaten breakfast burrito in his left hand and his cell phone in his right. Looking up, he sees a message reading "MANDATORY MEETING AT 12 PM".

"Wonder what that's about" the henchman mumbles

"Hey Jackie Chan!" a rude colleague of the henchman says to mock him

"Hey racist!" the henchman, who is revealed to be asian and sensitive about racism, answers

Going to his office, the henchman sets an alarm for 11:55 on his phone and takes a brief nap. Waking up, he sees his files have had unicorns and rainbows drawn all over them

"Damn pranksters" the henchman thinks out loud

Speedwalking to the meeting, he makes it less than a minute early and takes a seat at a large, round table. Igor Zelovik is leading the meeting and starts presenting a powerpoint

"Okay guys. We need a deadly new plan. Muller is running low on ideas and he wants you to think of something" Zelovik proclaims

"Let's blow up an embassy!" one person suggests

"Frame another organization for a heinous crime?" another suggests

"I know! We should murder a bunch of infants to send a message" a third member cries

"Are you crazy? Everyone here is a sadistic imbecile. All of these ideas are not just cruel and morally awful, they are moronic. In fact, all of Conundrum is so stupid for that reason!" the main henchman rants

Igor then presses a button and pulls out his pistol.

"You dare defy Conundrum? The group that was outnumbered by the Americans and stopped them in the Bay of Pigs Invasion. We managed to turn a freaking monkey into an agent!" Zelovik yells evilly at the henchman

"One, it was a baboon. Two, that agent fled us and is one of our greatest enemies" the henchman snaps back

"Insubordination now!" Zelovik screams as he walks rapidly towards the henchman, stabbing him in the chest and shooting him in the leg

"Fool. I stabbed a bully when I was seventeen. I swam in pools of blood and was unphased. This is nothing. So, your punishment is the slow and painful death you will be experiencing. Any of you minions help this worm and you won't have feet anymore. Take this as a message, you act like this, you die like this" Zelovik cruelly laughs as the exits the room and locks the door...

BuzzieCo
The main BuzzieCo "henchman" is sitting in an office typing away on her laptop. Skinny, short and red-headed, she is developing plans for a Subsurface Resonator-like device. Just as she is brainstorming, two fellow employees stroll over to her.

"Hey beautiful. Are you free this Sunday night?" the employee asks

"Hey! I was going to ask her out!" the second employee snarls in rage

Punching the employee who asked the "henchman" out, the second employee starts hitting him in the face as hard as he can.

"Hey! Hey!" the pretty henchman says as she separates her brawling coworkers "You are the twelfth one to ask me out this week. You're all pigs and neanderthals. Beating each other up for that? This is BuzzieCo and they're restricted to you idiots"

"The proper term would be swine" the antagonistic employee replies

"A nerdy pig neanderthal. Great" she finishes

Walking away, she mumbles about how much she hates her job before finishing working. Knowing that she has to propose a new idea with blueprints by tomorrow, she attempts to work hard. Dreaming of being the next great scientist and inventor, like every other BuzzieCo employee, she continues working hard on her design before going to use the restroom. An employee then pulls her off to the side.

"Get off of me, grabby!" the female employee cries out

"But you're so pretty" the grabby employee

"What would possess you to grab me?" she asks

"You're focusing on that? I called you pretty. BuzzieCo's manual says to be nice to each other" grabby says while hanging his head

Slapping "grabby" in face twice, she growls and walks towards the exit.

"I HATE WORKING HERE! I DID NOT GO TO HARVARD TO BE WITH THESE JERKS! I QUIT!!!" she screeches

Serena Zhang sees this while sitting in a waiting room, records it with her cell phone camera and fist pumps due to having a new story.

LEPT
Our LEPT henchman lives a less than adventurous early day. Eating a bagel for breakfast and reading comic books in his bunk. Time is passing very quickly and before he knows it, it is 2:00 PM. A knock then comes to his door.

"Where the hell have you been? We have had workouts for the past hour!" the knocker shouts

"I'm sorry, I lost track of time, sir" the LEPT henchman

"No excuses. LEPT policy says that you must do 150 push ups right now for me

Moaning, the henchman struggles and uses every last ounce in his body to do all 150 push ups. Sweating, crying and moaning, the disgusted member who had him do push ups walks away, muttering curses under his breath.

Walking down a flight of stairs, two high ranking members are staring directly at the LEPT henchman

"You! Your running laps time is pitiful. Go run 40 laps around the courtyard right now!" one of them orders

"Why, sir?" the henchman asks

"Because you may need to run sometimes. We at the LEPT want all of our agents to be fit, so we train them hard enough so that a frail maggot can end up looking like a bodybuilder" the second high ranking member snarls

"Yeah. You guys have to keep up our legacy. This organization saved Ronald Reagan's life by having an agent punch John Hinckley Jr. in the throat" the first high ranking member blurts

Reluctantly going to run laps, he manages to run 21 laps before passing out. Doctors find his body and nurse the feeble, overworked LEPT member before pondering why he puts up with the extreme fitness requirements and abuse to his body.

The Aninis
The Anini henchman wakes up, eats a buffalo carcass for breakfast and then huddles up with his fellow reptilians to pray to their gods.

Occa then orders all of the henchman to attend a seminar where she and Ramuf will celebrate their best deeds. Strolling over to their auditorium, Ramuf and Occa are standing on a stage, about to toot their own horns.

"Aninis!" Ramuf shouts into a megaphone "Rumor has it that some of you don't think Occa and I are talented warriors. We called you here to prove you wrong"

"Yeah, I don't see you torturing a human by placing his head urine and videotaping it" Occa exclaims

"She also killed 50 humans on her way down four floors of a DIA building with just a knife" Ramuf compliments

"Thank you boss. Well, you did kill seven armed North Korean soldiers without any weapons yourself"

"You liked that? These jerks didn't. You mock us when you measly minions didn't do anything noteworthy. Be like Myron, he's a model Anini. He accomplishes a lot and will beat you up if you mock him. We are nicer than that" Ramuf proclaims

"Get out of our sight! We are so agitated with you!" Occa shrieks as the henchman speedwalk away in fear

Once away, the Anini henchman starts talking to one of his colleagues

"So, the top dogs like to praise themselves" the other henchman says to break the ice

"Don't let them hear you say that" the main Anini henchman says to protect his friend

"You're right. Remember the guy who said that Occa didn't deserve to be one of us because she was human?" the other henchman answers

"Or the woman who accused Myron of doing inappropriate stuff to her" the main henchman comments

"I didn't really like them. Good thing that they're rotting in one of our prisons!" the other henchman chuckles before the two walk away, remembering their imprisoned ex-colleagues.

Lolifegg
Lastly, we see a henchman of Lolifegg's walking around eating a triangle-shaped piece of meat. Adjusting a painting of the time Lolifegg killed the Grand Rulers of Mercury and forced his prisoners to eat their remains, Lolifegg himself walks up to him.

"What are you doing?" Lolifegg scolds

"Adjusting the painting. It was crooked" the henchman stutters

"Oh, good. That was fun" Lolifegg answers

"If I'm not mistaken, didn't Vomiu do the same thing?" the henchman asks

"Are you stupid? Vomiu killed the supreme ruler of Venus by ripping his heart out and then stomping on it. What I did was cooler and probably more fun" Lolifegg replies, now very mad

Lolifegg walks away from his henchman. The henchman decides to go use one of the computers. Looking through files, he looks over his shoulder to see Lolifegg with a frown on his face and his arms crossed.

"You again? Why are you looking through those files?" Lolifegg asks, irritated

"What's wrong with that?" the henchman wonders

"Those are MY files! I didn't say you could look at them!" Lolifegg yells

"But they were available to be looked at on my computer" the henchman insists

"So what? Those are my files!" Lolifegg shouts, shoving the henchman

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! Shoving me like that!" the henchman screams to the top of his lungs

The other henchman back away from the confrontation slowly.

"You wanna know who I think I am?" Lolifegg asks

"Yeah, I do!" the henchman rudely replies

"Hey you, over there" Lolifegg says pointing to another henchman "Get me my ice gloves from that table!"

The other minion grabs the ice gloves and puts them on Lolifegg.

"I think that I'm your reckoning" Lolifegg proclaims before firing a concentrated beam of ice at the henchman that freezes him instantly.

Kicking the frozen remains of the henchman down, he walks away and orders his henchman to "add him to the collection".

Trivia

 * The author doesn't care that this story's logo is similar to A Newer Hope's because they are the best photos he could find